Santa has been high-tech forever

It’s not generally known, but Santa is really an alien using advanced technology and high-tech gadgetry since the dawn of time.

Think about it: This fellow jumps onto a vehicle drawn by eight furry four-legged beasts that manage to fly without any wings or rocket propulsion. Think antigravity or maglev trains. What, you ask, is a maglev train? Magnetic levitation, a system of transportation that uses magnetic forces. Why do you think the sledge runners are so long?

Now on to his list of naughty and nice kids. This is obviously compiled on a mega-database with a huge data warehouse using extremely complex algorithms to perform very involved sort functions running on a mainframe at the North Pole. C’mon, how else can he get the list done in tiime? Remember, you have to be nice right up to the very minute he arrives. Word has it that Santa’s thinking of an SaaS database in the cloud. Remember, you read it here first.

The lists sent from the data warehouse are compressed and stored in the maglev’s onboard computer, which is updated in real time through wireless communication. That computer is air-cooled (notice how Santa doesn’t appear in tropical countries? That’s a dead giveaway.) and linked to a hand-held device running a really tight Linux kernel so he always has access to an up-to-date list without having to go play with the keyboard or key in commands.

Let’s not forget routing — the back end system at the North Pole also has a route planning application, which is linked to the data warehouse so it can amend and update Santa’s list in real time to take into account any amendments made at the last minute when kids forget to be nice. Think Santa can do the Drunkard’s Walk in his head with millions of variables to factor in? Nah!

Then there’s the issue of the presents — Santa’s maglev has a matter transmitter on board to handle them in JIT (just in time) fashion, obviously. How much do you think all those presents weigh? Some of that technology leaked out to the public, as any Trekkie will tell you.

Finally, as to Santa — what human being can be that old and never change his appearance? Definitely an alien in human guise.

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